Mars Is Bright Tonight
by TGQwerty
Summary: This is a Cool, funny fic for anyone who likes HP and Humor with a little bit of fun. there is a plot.
1. Prologue

Mars Is Bright Tonight  
Prologue  
  
Disclaimer: I own NO HARRY POTTER CHARS. AND none of the book series.  
  
It all started at the beginning of Hogwarts school....  
  
In the Great Hall, Salazar, Godric, Helga, and Rowena stood around a great wooden create.  
  
Helga:...so what should we do?  
  
Rowena burped up some bubbles  
  
Rowena: Let's destroy it.  
  
Salazar: Well you can't.  
  
Godric looked curiously at Salazar and walked towards him as his shoes quaked like ducks  
  
Godric: and you would know this how Sally?  
  
Salazar jumped.  
  
Salazar: Well...he's pure evil.that's how I know Rickey Ra-tard-o!!  
  
Godric: Well it appears to me that you know a lot about this..this.thing.. Sally-Sells- Sea-Shells  
  
Salazar: Are you accusing me??? Rickey-Rickey-Your-So-Fine-HEY-Rickey!!  
  
Godric: Is THAT a threat (points at last name he was called) SalaMANder!!  
  
Salazar: Yes, and at least I am a MAN!!  
  
Godric slaps Salazar on his face and the invisible score board (only visible to the imagination) showed 1 for Godric 0 for Salazar.  
  
Godric: WHO'S YOUR DADDY?  
  
Salazar slaps Godric and scores.  
  
Salazar: WHO'S YOUR DADDY!? Both slap and score meanwhile.  
  
Helga: Those two just never stop do they?  
  
Rowena (shivering with fear) shakes her head.  
  
Helga: So what should we do about the monster? (notices Rowena) Look I know you've been through a lot but it will be over soon.  
  
Rowena: A LOT...A LOT... THOSE WORDS BARRELY SCRACH THE SUFACE OF WHAT (points at create) THAT THING HAS DONE TO ME. (sits and starts licking her feet.  
  
Rowena's shouts caused one of the pictures to sneeze in turn all the other pictures followed it's example and they all sneezed too.  
  
Godric now tired.  
  
Godric: who's..your...daddy? ( unable to lift hand to slap beyond his knee)  
  
Salazar just as tired.  
  
Salazar:..who's.your.. awww, forget it..( falls on ground red in the face from being slaped) Godric also falls. Score 300 to 300  
  
Helga: Rrrright..now Get up you two we have work to do ( both get up) Now, creature, (Helga now talking to the create) I am now going to read your.ummmm..crimes.  
  
The create's contents give an insane laugh or I.L. and Rowena shivers because of it or R.S.  
  
Helga: 1. You, single handedly made the Unforbidden Forest the Forbidden Forest. ( create gives IL and RS) 2. You, used your powers to make every stair case switch every 5 minutes. ( IL and RS) 3. You, made all the bathrooms switch places when ever someone got near if they had to GO. ( IL and RS) 4. You, last year, took every last point away from every house but Slytherin. (IL and RS and all stare accusingly at Salazar (Salazar: What??)) 6. You also did countless vandalism and invented the Howler. (IL and RS) 7. Not to mention you drove Rowena insane as she was your main target in other schemes you did. ( IL and you guessed it RS really hard) HOW do you plead?  
  
Creature:. Are you done retelling my life's accomplishments I really must be going(IL).  
  
Helga: As such, we have chosen or rather I have chosen to seal you using ancient magic at the base of Gryffindor Tower. Salazar:.. You mean under that painting of that man??  
  
Godric: GOOD GRAVEY ,mon,(Jamaican) THAT'S MY MUM"S PICTURE!!!  
  
Salazar: Well you have to admit she dose look a bit manish.  
  
Godric: YOUR TALKIN' ABOUT MY MOTHER!!  
  
Salazar: well if that is a woman she looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick.  
  
Godric: STOP!!!  
  
Salazar: She fell out of an ugly Tree.  
  
Helga: STOP!!!  
  
Salazar: And she hit the ugly ground!!  
  
Helga, Godric, and Rowena: BequietOsa ( flash of purple light comes out of 3 wands and hits Salazar in the mouth and zips it shut)  
  
Creature: He's right you know, but he didn't mention how fat she was.  
  
Godric: Oh not you too.  
  
Creature Yeeessss(IL) she's so fat she could fill the bloody Grand Canyon.  
  
Godric: You're so insane you couldn't be taken in by St. Mungo's.  
  
Creature: Proud of it, anyway she's so fat she makes a rain bow rain when she sits on it.  
  
Helga: Let's take him away..(sighs)  
  
Creature: The way I see it there are 6 sizes of pants mini, small, normal, big, and 'Oh no here it comes' guess where your mother's size is. (IL)  
  
Helga levitates the create and takes it to Gryffindor Tower entrance.  
  
All 4 founder slowly seal the create into a tile on the floor as it slowly dissolves into it.  
  
Creature: I'll be back one day to terrorize the school..One day (IL)!!!!!!  
  
DUM- DUM- DUMMMMMM  
  
Salazar: So can he ever get out.  
  
Helga: Yes  
  
Godric: How??  
  
Helga: Only if a student of your house (points at Godric) trips and hits his/her head on the tile on the exact date and the exact time.  
  
All: OHHH!!  
  
Many Many long years later..Harry Potter walks back from potion and trips on Dobby..(yeah..) and hits his head on the tile on the exact date at the exact time ...  
  
Harry: OW!  
  
But the pain in Harry's head was the least of his worries now.  
  
So how did you like chapter 1. review and enjoy chapter 2 the forbidden forest. 


	2. The Forbidden Forest

The Forbidden Forest  
  
Disclaimer- I OWN NONE OF THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS.  
  
Harry: OW!  
  
Harry rubs his head as he gets on his feet.  
  
Hermione: Are you OK?  
  
Harry: Yeah.  
  
Hermione: How did you fall?  
  
Harry: Tripped on Dobby again.  
  
Hermione: Who?  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Hermione: Who did you trip on?  
  
Harry: Stop asking me questions that's all you've said all chapter?  
  
Hermione: What's all I've been saying all chapter?  
  
Harry: QUESTIONS! Shut Up (notices Ron), what's wrong with you Ron??  
  
Ron was standing there staring. Harry stared where Ron was.  
  
Harry: : O  
  
There was a wisp of smoke that came from the tile and headed out the open hallway window. Long silence.  
  
Harry: Weird  
  
Hermione: What was that??????  
  
Harry: Any-who lets get down to detentions.  
  
So all three of them walk down the hall and Harry notices Ron another time  
  
Harry: Ron, why are you coming to detentions with us?  
  
Ron shrugs  
  
Harry: But you weren't caught.. You don't need to go  
  
Ron shrugs and smiles  
  
Hermione: You know this won't be fun right??  
  
Ron nods and smiles  
  
Harry: RrrrrrrriiiiiiigghT  
  
So they make it down to the great hall, where there was Neville and Malfoy waiting for them. Filch was there but there was something wrong with him.  
  
Filch: Are you ready to go to your first day of detention Mr. Pow.. Mr. Potter  
  
Filch was today wearing a silver suit and his head was shaved, he had Mrs. Norris in his arms, stroking her.  
  
Harry: Yeah sure.  
  
Harry then noticed an old woman on the floor's corner looking very dazed, she had huge glasses and she was very thin  
  
Old Croan: (in a deep, mesmerizing voice) He will come tonight..(notices Harry and points at him) YOU.. FOLLOW THE RED RABBIT.. He has you... He has you in his powers.. it is too late for you ...might as well just get it over with. ( her head falls limp as she sleeps)  
  
No one seemed to notice this but him.  
  
Harry: Okaaaaay, Hey guys dose it seem weird all of a sudden.  
  
Harry turns around to Ron and Hermione.  
  
Ron: W...( he tries to speak but is unable to, for he turned into a red rabbit)  
  
Hermione: BUNNY? ( grabs Ron) BUNNY? BUNNY? BUNNY?( squeezes him)  
  
Hermione looks at Harry.  
  
Harry: Is he Ok  
  
Hermione cleans out her ears and tries to listen to what Harry said.  
  
Hermione: (screaming) WHAT????  
  
Harry: (Yelling Slowly) IS...HE..OK.??  
  
Hermione: I CAN'T HEAR YOU??..!?  
  
Harry looks at everyone else, everyone else.. stares long awkward silence.  
  
Malfoy: Lets get this over with  
  
And with a small POP! Filch turned into a guy with a yellow rain jacket  
  
Filch: Sure we can go just beware of.. (his eye bulges) The Shark!!  
  
So they all leave the Great hall but before they do Neville grabs Harry's robes  
  
Neville: Guide me it is very dark.  
  
Harry: : O  
  
Harry waves hand over Neville's face and Neville doesn't even flinch.  
  
They all walk down to the hut of Hagrid but not Filch he had to row in his floating boat.  
  
Down at Hagrid's Hut of Hagrid Hagrid is wearing an all gold suit that is very tight, but it has no shirt sleeves.  
  
Hagrid: Hello Filch and freindres, and I must say Filch you look like my Fasja ..my dad  
  
Hagrid Pulls off a slab of skin the size of a steak off his arm.  
  
Hagrid: Ooooo there's a keeper.  
  
And with a POP! And another POP! Filch and Hagrid change back to normal. Everyone (even Hagrid) stares at Hagrid. long pause  
  
Filch: So you have detentions with these 6 I'll be back for them tomorrow.  
  
And with a POP! Filch changes back into a Sea Captain. And rows away, But a high wind blows and his ship rams into a tree !SMASH! Filch is now swimming in the air.. Yes swimming.  
  
Filch: Darn wind (swims toward the castle) When I get back I'll.. ( notices something only he can see and a look of terror comes on his eyes) SHARRRK! 'E'S COME BACK FOR ME OTHER LEG!! HELP!! ( Filch struggles with something in midair, then he just floats there unmoving, drifting with the wind).  
  
Long pause...No longer  
  
LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG PAUSE..  
  
Ok long enough  
  
Harry: well this is odd  
  
Ron writes on a piece of paper gives it to Harry  
  
" Harry I found out that if I try to talk I turn into a rabbit, Hermione can't hear and Neville can't see"  
  
Harry reads then looks up at Ron  
  
Harry: Crud. (looks around) hey where is Neville any way??  
  
Ron shrugs  
  
AT The lake out side Hogwarts..  
  
Neville is there alone  
  
Neville: Harry where are you???  
  
A giant tentacle comes out of the lake.  
  
Neville: Harry is that you??  
  
Tentacle grabs Neville and pulls him into the lake.  
  
At the Hut OF Hagrid.  
  
Harry: Oh, well he probably is having fun where ever he is.  
  
Ron nods.  
  
Hagrid: Are you done talking and lets get on with the plot..  
  
Harry: right!  
  
All stand at attention but Hermione who is looking dumbly at the world around her  
  
Malfoy: Stupid MudBlood.  
  
A Yell from the Forest: 50 points to Slytherin!!  
  
Malfoy smiles and all else frown and look sad..  
  
Hagrid: ok today we are searching for a thing that is disturbing the centaurs and all the other animals in the woods.  
  
Malfoy: It is a werewolf. Duh  
  
Hagrid: No , because this thing ate all of them I saw the bill.  
  
Malfoy: ALL the werewolves.. but how??  
  
Hagrid: He bought them all and ate them at table #4.  
  
Hagrid shows Malfoy a piece of paper  
  
On paper: The Forbidden Restaurant  
Table #4  
  
15 Werewolves 20 galleons  
  
Hagrid: saw that on the ground on my way in.  
  
Malfoy: That...is scary..this is not going to be a fun detention at all.  
  
Hagrid: Well this ain't no campen trip in Chicago if you know what I mean.  
  
Long pause... Play on your computer cuz this is a long one.  
  
Hagrid: now we all go into the forest and we look for a while and Harry gets all the attention, now split into 2 groups, but know that Harry will be separated eventually so don't look for him he'll show up after he meets with the thing we are after, then around sun rise we all come back to my place and have a cup of tea.( Hagrid smiles)  
  
Harry: Sounds like a plan Stan.  
  
Malfoy: (to Hagrid) You the man Dan  
  
Harry: (To Malfoy) Can you pan your can Ran.  
  
Harry looks around and finds he is deep in the forest with Malfoy, Fang and Dobby.right...  
  
Fang had apparently been shaved completely and had a disco ball on his back  
  
Malfoy: (In a Afro)((which was blonde))(((with a big gold medallion))) FUNK- A-DELECK DOG(dose a disco hand point into the sky.. move)  
  
Suddenly Malfoy, Fang, and Dobby(.right.) Disappear. POP!  
  
Harry was their alone, not with Ron, not with Dobby (...??..) , and not with Joe the sock puppet, But he still felt like someone was there with him.  
  
Creature (or C.): Hello there, Harry.. Potter  
  
Harry froze..Literally.then thawed really fast and turned around to see who it was, but when he did he was stopped by a finger to his forehead and all he could see was a finger and a hand to his forehead.  
  
Harry: Who are you  
  
The finger poked at Harry's head, hard like and at a very anointing uneven beat.  
  
Harry: Hey (poke) stop (poke) that  
  
Harry tried to grab the hand but his hands felt as heavy as solid cinder blocks.. In fact when Harry looked down They WERE  
  
Harry: AHHHH(poke)HHHHH(poke)(poke) hhhhhhhhh...(poke)  
  
Harry: Ok you can stop (poke)that now(poke) Harry: (going into a crying type voice) This is really affect(poke)ing my (poke) psychological health.  
  
The poking stops  
  
Harry gives a sigh of relief  
  
Harry: sigh (in a relief tone)  
  
But it started another time  
  
Harry starts to cry  
  
C.: Wow you lasted longer (poke) than most do.  
  
He stops poking  
  
Harry: who are you??  
  
C. pats Harry on the head C.: If you were smart you wouldn't ask that again.  
  
Harry (scared) nods, and still looking at the hand ready to poke  
  
Harry: then can I ask What are you and why are you here??  
  
C.: (sighs) very well.Humans..need to know everything.  
  
C. Steps out into the moon light and Harry saw...(gasp)  
  
Harry: You're a centaur?  
  
C. now in full light showed that he was a rather tall centaur with sleek red hair and green eyes, a smile of plan delight stamped on his face.  
  
C.: well yes.and no I am but in the image of a centaur but I am much more than that.. C.: I am a creation, but I am very much alive, I was made by Special Magic..Much like Ancient Magic or Dark Magic.  
  
Harry: well that's creative "Special Magic"  
  
C.: I'm warning you Potter don't push my buttons more than you already have it just may come back to you in a comical sort of way.(grins)  
  
Harry Shivers  
  
Harry: so why are you here?  
  
C.: You.  
  
Harry: What.  
  
C.: I was released by you and there for I must do to you what I do best.  
  
Harry: and what is that  
  
C.: Annoy, to be an annoyance, to cause mayhem and let the readers have fun reading it.  
  
C. Looks at reader and presses the pause-on-time button  
  
C.: And if you readers want to be a part of Mars is Bright Tonight..When you submit a review please type in one of these names at the end of your review: Snape, Lucius, or Draco and I'll add up the score and include one of these people in a prank in the future chapter 11. (presses Play)  
  
C. puts his hand out and points to a tree, a jet of green light burst forth and hit the tree and the tree tuned into 12 dogs. The dogs ran towards Harry and licked him with their large wet sloppy red mouth things, until he was drenched.  
  
C.: You see Potter, my creator gave my Special Magic the power to annoy anyone but him, in fact my very presence creates impossibly crazy things to happen all around me.  
  
Harry: so why mess with me.  
  
C.: you see I was also assigned a person to annoy and she passed long ages ago and so I needed someone new. (Grins) But that dose not limit to who I annoy..  
  
C. lifts the curse on Harry's hands.  
  
Harry: Oh! Thanks I was...(sniffs)(looks around)(sniffs)(sniffs hands)(looks at C.) YOU!!  
  
C.: What?? (smiles)  
  
Harry: my hands smell like tomatoes, I HATE TOMATOES (runs and tries to grab C.)  
  
C. swiftly dodges his attack and skips around the clearing in the woods like Pe Pe Le Puew  
  
Harry: Come back here and change back my hands  
  
C.: (strongly snobby laugh) HA HA HA (runs into a tree)(SMACK) OW! That really hurt. (notices Harry coming towards him) we will meet again soon Mr. Potter and you will pay for my tree smacking. (disappears)  
  
Harry now kneeling down on the grass thinking about what was happening and soon he reread the last bit of what the C. had said and he was done and he realized what the old croan had said had come true. He was soon walking through the woods to try to find the others.  
  
Suddenly there was a SNAP of a twig and Harry jumped  
  
Harry: Who's there  
  
He kept walking but soon found that around him more twigs were cracking in all places everywhere He could see shapes in the shadows, his heart now racing, OLD CAMERA NOISE AND A FLASH OF LIGHT (or OCNAAFOL)  
  
Harry: AH!  
  
Harry now able to see slightly now saw a large group of people. about 12 standing in cloaks and helmets in front of him all of which..holding CAMERAS  
  
Harry: Who are you.  
  
Collin Creevy: We are the Knights Who Take Pictures!!!!!  
  
12 OCNAAFOLs came strait at him  
  
Collin: WE! ARE THE SECRET KEEPERS OF THE PICTURES OF.. VICTOR KRUM, TGQWERTY AND GILDAROY LOCKHART(Lockhart's name echoes through the forest)  
  
Harry: Well what is it you want??  
  
Collin: We want.. A AUTOGRAPH!!  
  
Harry: What??  
  
12 OCNAAFOLs hit Harry  
  
Harry: Stop that it BURRRNS IT BUUUURRRNNS. (Collin motions to stop pictures)  
  
Collin: YOU WILL GIVE US AN AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF YOU OR ELSE YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE THESE WOODS..WITH JOE.(holds up sock puppet Joe)  
  
Harry: (looks at Joe) Ok fine give me the picture. (gets picture and golden ink)  
  
Collin: one that looks nice  
  
Harry: yes of course  
  
Collin: and not too big  
  
Harry: Yes yes.. annnd done  
  
Collin: Yes yes it is a good autograph. you may go now  
  
Harry grabs Joe, Hugs him, and puts him in his pocket  
  
Lucius: NI!!  
  
Harry hours later beats through the forest and tripped over every root and got out by sunrise to have a cup of tea and told Ron and Hermione everything about his adventure because they didn't have one.  
  
Authors Note: and so another chapter written and another sock saved tune in for the next chapter  
  
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER!! 


	3. Substitute Teacher

Substitute Teacher  
  
Disclaimer: Go to chapter 1 or 2. Oh! I don't own Lupin the lll  
  
Authors note: This fic was inspired by the great Lady Rathe author of "The Forbidden Florist". Which is another very funny fic that I recommend to all. (Oh! And imagine that you are listening to the book on tape version of Mars Is Bright Tonight, being read by the guy who reads the book on tape version of Harry Potter. It is very funny to think about)(Oh! This fic has a lot of Oh!'s and Ah!'s or any thing that ends in an !.  
  
Creature: ... and further more if The Great Qwerty dose not get at least 10 reviews from 10 different people there will be no chapter 11. just think if everyone just reviewed after reading, we would get a lot more chapters in, if this request is not maid you will all get up one morning, look in the mirror, and find out that you are old and wrinkly. HA HA!!!  
  
Harry woke up in his bed one day early in his third year as if time has skipped his second all together. It was just sun rise now and Harry looked out of the boy's dormitory window out to the hut of Hagrid. Hagrid was just standing there enjoying the morning. Suddenly Hagrid turned around with a jolt and saw a pack of red chickens rampaging toward him. Hagrid soon was running very fast in a large circle.  
  
Hagrid: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Their after my light switch sugar candies AHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
A chicken soon caught up with Hagrid and jumped on his head and pecked at his head. Hagrid's head hair, which soon bursted into flame, and all the chickens disappeared.  
  
Hagrid: NOOOOOOOOOO! Not my beautiful hair, that's where the knoms live.  
  
Hagrid did a stop drop and roll move on the ground and his hair was put out and Hagrid just laid there unmovingly.  
  
Harry smiled and went back to bed thinking happy thoughts. until one thought crossed his mind.. Harry woke with a start.  
  
Harry: (whispered) no.  
  
Harry: (thinking) this can't be, the creature has come back after so long.. why did he just not go away??  
  
Harry: Are you scared too, Joe? Joe(limp on the floor by the bed) ... Harry: yeah me too.. No for the last time NO!!....(looks at Joe in a sad face) I'm sorry just don't be so socky like that it is creepy sometimes.  
  
Harry gets up out of bed and gets dressed, and walks down to the common room to find Ron watching T.V.  
  
Harry: So you finally convinced the T.V. that it can work without electricity.  
  
Ron: Shhhhh! (Points at the T.V.)((Ron's favorite show(((Blue's Clues))) is on))  
  
Steve: Ok so what does Blue want to do with a golf ball.a pool full of pudding.and a tree.hmmm. Oh Oh! Maaaabbeeey he wants to knock me out with a golf ball, throw me into the pool of pudding, unconscious, and tie me to. a .tree.. Okaaay.. (sees Blue with a golf ball) H.H..ey Bu.bu.. Blue  
  
Blue: woof  
  
Hermione: Hey electronics don't work here ( tv turns off)  
  
Ron: Hey.( to the T.V.) she was just kidding play back my show.  
  
T.V. turns on.  
  
Blue: (Deep voice) Tune in tomorrow, when I get a new host and he has to find 4 clues BWAHAHAHAHAHA.  
  
Hermione throws the T.V. out the window.  
  
Hermione: That stuff is poison to the brain  
  
Ron: Yeah a guess your right (puts down the golf ball)  
  
Harry: Guys I think the Creature is back in action  
  
Ron: No way! He's been gone for ages.  
  
Hermione: and what proof do you have?  
  
Harry: well first. well. Look outside to the hut of Hagrid!  
  
They all look out the window and see Hagrid on the ground, still.  
  
Harry: He was attacked by a pack of chickens this morning. and chickens are his best friends.  
  
Ron: That IS odd  
  
Harry: I have something else (sniffs the air) do you smell that??  
  
They all smell  
  
Hermione: Yeah, smells like.. like .. Tomatoes??  
  
Harry: Yes, he put a curse on my hands and whenever he is near, my hands smell like the forsaken fruit of the Yeti.  
  
Ron: Well what he does will come, what can you do?  
  
Harry: (Yelling or screaming or shrieking what ever you like) HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM? HE'S NEVER POKED YOU IN THE FORHEAD!!  
  
Hermione( pats Harry on the shoulder) its ok  
  
Harry: (sobbing, fetal position) poking and poking.so.unevenly passed.  
  
Ron: Well I'm famished lets go down to the gully and get some grub.  
  
Harry:(still sobbing) Ok.  
  
Well they all made their way down the many halls but Harry and Hermione had to walk slowly by the fact that Ron was doing back flips all the way down the hall. So they walked slow so he could Ketchup. They soon had to stop as Lupin was running down the hall.  
  
Lupin: (breathing hard) 'Ello you three A loud mass of feet is heard with, squeaky shoes, followed by a quire of girls with high pitched voice.  
  
Quire: (Singing) There you are Lupin!  
  
Lupin: Anyway! I need to see you in my office.  
  
Suddenly a Detective with black hair and a kaki hat and trench coat appears.. holding hand cuffs.  
  
Detective: I have you know Lupin!  
  
Lupin: Oh, Karaoke! He found me.. this way Harry! (Grabs Harry's wrist)  
  
Quire :(Singing) LUPIN THE THHHIIIIRRRRRD  
  
Lupin opened a door and locked it. It appeared to be a little small old broom closet.  
  
Harry: just a little small.  
  
Lupin: and old..  
  
Harry: Hey this isn't your office!  
  
Lupin: (feeling the walls with his hands) yes, I know, this is the secret entrance. Ah! Here it is. ( Lupin now holding the door knob that he just locked)  
  
Harry: That's the door we just came from.  
  
Lupin: Really.. it doesn't look like it . (opens door)  
  
The Detective, the quire and a lion are all outside the door that leads to the same hallway they were just in, luckily none of them noticed Harry or Lupin. Lupin closed the door slowly.  
  
Lupin: ok so maybe I'm not Willy Wonka but I know there is another entrance around Oh! Looks like we don't need to search.  
  
Harry looked and saw the room that they were now in was Lupin's Office.  
  
Harry: But.. but how ( looks back at door and looks around office) did you do that ??  
  
Lupin: Never mind that I have something more important. Sit down please.  
  
Harry sits in the worlds most uncomfortable wooden chair. Lupin has tea for both of them and is grading papers.......Harry sits there and Lupin says nothing and grades the papers.  
  
Lupin:(suddenly and very fast) Snape is a Vampire!!  
  
Harry: (not listening) What??  
  
Lupin: Take another nap sire.  
  
Harry: did you just call me Sire??  
  
Lupin: No, I was talking to him( points to corner in room)  
  
Nothing in corner  
  
Harry: Who's there, there is no one there, none of which is who is there, there is none of which that is who is among that there. (say that 5 times fast)  
  
Lupin: (insane look) Darn! You just missed him, It was King Whizzleburry the Third.  
  
Harry: King Whizzleburry??  
  
Lupin: (Nodding) yeah he's a Porcupine.  
  
Harry: Yeeeaaaah.. (gets out of his chair slowly)  
  
Lupin takes his arm and clears the desk of the tea and papers and ink, which fly everywhere.  
  
Lupin: (hands in air, crazy face) BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Lupin licks the desk and slaps his head on the desk and is asleep.  
  
Harry backs away slowly and leaves. Harry is briskly walking down the hall when he slamps into Snape.  
  
Snape: OW! POTTER Why did you Slamp into Me?  
  
Harry: I am so not.. I mean.. Sooo sooorrrry about that.  
  
Snape: My poor Kankle.  
  
Suddenly Ron and Hermione come back, to find Harry.  
  
Ron: (sees Snape) AHHHHHHH!  
  
Back in Lupin's office. Lupin wakes up with a start.  
  
Lupin: "Snape Senses" tingling!!  
  
Lupin runs to where Ron is still screaming like a girl.  
  
Lupin: TIME-FREEZE-OHSA  
  
Time freezes all around.  
  
Lupin: SNAPE!!  
  
Snape: LUIPN!!  
  
Lupin: SNAPE!!  
  
Snape: LUPIN!!  
  
Lupin: VAMPIRE!!  
  
Snape: WEREWOLF!  
  
Lupin: Are there Pig fish that fly in the ground that have no teeth  
  
Snape:. I don't know? Are there  
  
Lupin: Yes. I think.. Snape: Now that we have caught up with each other. Have you got the formula??  
  
Lupin: UNFREEZZ-TIME-ULATE  
  
Time unfreezes  
  
Lupin: not now.  
  
A bird flies by.  
  
Snape: fine but you will pay.  
  
Ron: For what??  
  
Lupin: Nothing (voice cracks), now. Snnnnape just the person I was looking for. (Lupin now hopeing Harry and the others didn't suspect anything) Yes, what have you been doing for Defense of the Dark Arts class for me.  
  
Snape: Oh! We are doing WEREWOLVES.(strong British accent here) Yes I much rather have the students know the wicket, about how to detect them and what they look like.  
  
Lupin:( nervous) Really. (plotting revenge) Well, I just might let the students have a unit on VAMPIRES, so they can detect them too.  
  
Snape: Great.. Yup. ok I'm off.  
  
Snape runs down the hall  
  
Lupin smiles Lupin: Now off you go. Lupin waves his wand and the kids disappear Lupin: WOW! 4 Lupins in a row.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron are now sitting together in the great hall at their table. Ron takes a whole plate of chicken legs and wings.  
  
Hermione screams: AHH! It is the one and only Sirius Black!  
  
Sure enough Sirius Black is sitting across from the Thrice Trio of friends.  
  
Sirius: Yo!  
  
Harry doesn't flinch at all, but he dose wave and continues eating.  
  
Hermione: DON"T YOU CARE THAT THE FAMOUS KILLER IS SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU??  
  
Harry: No, he's innocent  
  
Ron: no one notices me.  
  
Hermione: (can't hear Ron) Proof??  
  
Harry shows Hermione last few chapters of Harry Potter #3  
  
Ron: hello I'm right here  
  
Hermione: (not even barely hearing Ron but still reading) Oh!  
  
Sirius: I'm off..(looks at Dean) Take this note it will be helpful after the stroke of bad luck you will have today.  
  
Ron: (crying) I am alone.  
  
Sirius goes down a trap door.  
  
Fred:(yelling) Mail's George: (yelling) Here  
  
Hedwig flies down to Harry and gives him nothing  
  
Harry: that's it you just fly down here and eat my bacon??  
  
Hedwig: Hoot  
  
Harry: Your boring!  
  
Cho: Oh! Harry what a caauute bird  
  
Harry: (mumbling to Hedwig) Thanks  
  
Hedwig: Hoot  
  
Cho: And he has the Caauutest 'hoot', the owl makes the. AHH!  
  
From no where a 10 foot long, turquoise snake falls from the sky and eats Hedwig at the speed of sound.  
  
Harry:(shocked) HEDWIG!!..??...!! ( Looks at Cho)..sooo..  
  
Cho: (smiles weakly, Looks around fast) Oh! Wow! What a caaaute owl, Cedric.  
  
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (hands in air)  
  
Harry looks at snake  
  
Harry: YOU!! (gets out spoon)  
  
Snake: Hey stop!  
  
Harry: Why should I, you ate. Hedwig.. Who's going to take my mail??  
  
Snake: I can, watch.( sprouts wings) I can fly  
  
Ron: you can fly  
  
Hermione: He can Fly  
  
All: (Singing) YOU CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLY, YOU CAN FLY!!  
  
Harry: Well ok, can I name you?  
  
Snake: no, my name is Phishe ( Pronounced Fish)  
  
Harry: fine just take this letter. the Hagrid Phishe  
  
Phishe: Ok (Eats letter) Don't worry I'll give it to Hagrid. (steals the rest of Harry's Bacon)  
  
Harry: Hey!  
  
Ron: just look at the 2 bright sides, you can talk to your mail carrier and the plot is going to start for the chapter.  
  
Dumbledore: May I have your attention?? (Ron: Undivided and Unprovided) Now I would like to introduce the new substitute teacher ,if he is needed,. Creature.  
  
The great hall doors open and Creature appears with 'Faithful Dobby' on his shoulder.  
  
Everyone in the hall looks at him as he approaches the teacher's table in Matrix slow-motion. Dobby runs of, looking at Deans feet oddly.  
  
Creature approaches Dumbledore Slllooowwwly  
  
Dumbledore puts up his hand  
  
Dumbledore: Sup' Dog  
  
C.: Yo!  
  
Dumbledore: Any-who if any teacher has an.. Accident .(looks at C.) Creature can take over as teacher, and I gave him the right to give and take house points as he pleases. Creature would you like to say a word?  
  
C. nods and walks to the podium  
  
C.: A Word...  
  
Dumbledore: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA THAT WAS SOOO FUNNY!! I ASKED IF HE WANTED TO SAY 'A WORD' AND HE DID BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. heh heh . yeah ( everyone stares at Dumbledore with wide eyes)  
  
C.: But seriously folks I would like to say, Biochemical photosynthesis, and that I would like to make today the most annoying day yet for Harry and whoever is in his class.  
  
Points at Harry and he shots a green beam at him and he grow up 3 feet so he can be seen by all.  
  
C.: and 50 points from Hufflepuff. Cause I can.  
  
Dumbledore claps  
  
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McGonagall was passing out schedules. Harry looks at his.  
  
Care of Magical Creatures. With Slytherin Transfiguration. With Hufflepuff Lunch. ( if you survive)((Harry gulped)) Potions. With a spoon Defense of the Dark Arts. With an extra seat and no shoe  
  
Harry: Professor?  
  
McG.: What!  
  
Harry: you won't get in an. accident. will you??  
  
McG.: (still walking) Of course not I have a anti-accident cream on my face.  
  
Ron: (mumbling) Not working to well is it.  
  
McG.: No  
  
Ron: What??  
  
McGon. Still walking and looking at Harry slips on a (mysteriously placed) banana peel.  
  
Dumbledore: oh my. ( now talking to the students) Good News Everyone Creature has his first job.  
  
Harry: crud  
  
Creature: (eating a banana) mmmmm.. good.  
  
Down at the hut of Hagrid for CareOfMagicalCeatures Hagrid still on the ground.  
  
Harry: Hagrid are you OK??|  
  
Hagrid: (sobbing) Oh! I'm just fine just had bad luck with people and chickens I thought that were my friends.. I mean, I trusted the chickens and they turn on me.  
  
Harry: Yeah, Get up so you can teach. because if you don't, well a bad teacher will teach.  
  
Hagrid: (angry)((still on ground)) You'd like that, wouldn't you, well guess what, I got your LETTER!( holds up letter, (still on ground) ) And you know what else, That .thing .was not Hedwig I bought you last last year.  
  
Harry: Well Hedwig was eaten by a..  
  
HAGRID: EATEN!! THAT MAIL BIRD COST ME 8,000,000 Galleons, AND THAT'S WHY I LIVE IN THIS BLASTED HUT...OF HAGRID.  
  
Harry: well I'm.  
  
HAGRID: SHUTUP YOU UNGRATFUL WORM, I AM IN NO PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL STATE TO TEACH!! (rolls down the hill and hits a tree)OW!!  
  
Creature appears with a POP  
  
C.: HEllO  
  
Harry: NOOOOOOO!! ( runs and hits an invisible wall) NO Way out (feels the wall)  
  
C.: come class we haven't much time. Now stand in an orderly fashion, good now what is this animal. (Pulls of a sheet to cage to show a Niffler.)  
  
Hermione: that is a Niffler  
  
C.: good 10 point from Gryffindor!!  
  
Hermione: what??  
  
C.: Ten points from Gryffindor!!  
  
Hermione: But I got the answer to your question right.  
  
C.: yes, I know that.  
  
Hermione: But I never lose points. Neeeevveerrr..  
  
C.: I doooonnnn''''ttttt caarrrree.. now what dose a Niffler do on habbit  
  
No one answers  
  
C.: Well since Hermy knows, but is not saying anything due to the fear of losing points. 20 points from Gryffindor.  
  
Hermione: WHAT!!  
  
C.: Either you answer and lose 10 points or you don't and you lose 20 points.. your choice. (evil grin)  
  
Hermione: The Niffler grabs and steals anything gold or shiny.  
  
C.: Quite right 10 points from Gryffindor and 50 to Slytherin  
  
Malfoy: WOoOoOoOo  
  
C.: Now for the activity, first all of the green dudes grab a Niffler out of this box (box is there somewhere) As for the Gryffindors. (holds up 50 gold paint buckets with Special Magic) Green dudes throw your Niffty Niffler at a red dude when they turn gold.  
  
Slytherin all smile  
  
Harry: Ruuunnnn!!!  
  
Ron turns into a red rabbit  
  
Harry sees Ron. And a voice comes in his head  
  
Voice: You.. FOLLOW THE RED RABBIT!  
  
Ron runs around and Harry follows as paint buckets are flying around making people gold. It is Pandemonium out there. Seamus runs by Harry.  
  
Seamus: (breathing hard) I don't know how much more I can take of this running. If I weren't so dang fat..( paint can comes strait for Harry)  
  
Seamus: (slow motion) NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooOOOooOoOOo ( jumps in front of Harry, in turn, getting goldafied). Run you fool.  
  
Harry: due to your immense thyroid disposition I am gold paint free.  
  
Malfoy: Look there's one (throws a Niffler on Seamus and he is dragged away off to a distant hole the ground which is a rip to another universe.)  
  
Harry: this is stupid (pulls out wand) THORWSOMEPAINTONCREATURE-ULATE- OHSA!!  
  
Creature gets hit with a paint bucket and all the carnage (one bucket still hits Timmy McFureson) stops to look at Creature. All the Nifflers jump to get Creature, but he stops them with one hand that makes a shield of gold.  
  
BRRRRRIIIINNNNNGGGGGG (bell rings to end classes)  
  
All gold paint(that wasn't on the students) disappeared and so did the Nifflers.  
  
C.: Now homework I need a 18 scroll essay on what you learned today.  
  
On the way to Transfiguration.  
  
Hermione: No one messes with the Brain. Oh, He'll pay (goes off to the Library)  
  
Ron: So what happened to the people after the Niffler battle?  
  
Hairy: well I don't know where the Nifflers took them but I know where they aren't.. the Universe.(Ron gives him a weird look) Now only the strong will survive today, so that leaves us with you, me, Dean, Joe the sock puppet, Jim, Larry, and some fat guy.  
  
Ron: But we don't know any Jim, Larry, or fat guy.  
  
Harry: What is Dean doing now.  
  
Dean is looking at a corner in the hall. It was always a normal corner but now it was dark and creepy, you couldn't even see into the 90 degree angel.  
  
Harry: DEAN YOU FOOL DON'T GO TOWARDS THE DARK  
  
Dean: Wha.AAAAAAAHH!! (Dean gets pulled into the dark corner and gets spit out)  
  
Dean is shocked Dean:(Crying) It took my socks, my wonderful blue socks  
  
Ron: what bad luck  
  
Dean: Oh! The note Sirius gave to me at food time, it will give me light (gets note)  
  
On note WARNING: Your socks will be stolen before the end of the day!  
  
Dean: How dose this help, maybe I should have read this before my bad luck!  
  
Evil laughter comes from the dark corner.  
  
Harry: alright come out now don't make me use.. this ( pulls out cherry)  
  
Out of the corner comes the evil doer of all that is sock  
  
Harry: Dobby??  
  
Dobby was in a trench coat made of socks.  
  
Dobby: yessss. You portentous peripheral, it is I Dobby, and I is free to get what he want. And right now Dobby wants socks. (Dobby snaps fingers)  
  
Out of the corner zips by a brightly colored thing and knocks Ron down, it was Winky minion of Dobby and Dobby steals his socks at Mock 5  
  
Winky: is proud to speak in the third person and help Dobby.  
  
Ron: O  
  
Harry: O.. but you were so nice  
  
Dobby: you Next  
  
Harry: Ha! I am ready you won't surprise me (holds out cherry)  
  
Dobby: We shall see (SNAP)  
  
Out of the corner comes another thing that is brown and beams Harry  
  
Harry: O  
  
Dobby: Thank you Kreature  
  
Kreature: Iglebarf-a-nugan  
  
Dobby steals Harry's socks and Joe the Puppet Sock  
  
Harry: (weakly) no  
  
Dobby and his minions disappear.  
  
In about 10 min. they all regain consciousness. And get to Transfiguration.  
  
In Transfiguration...  
  
C.: Your late..  
  
Harry: Sorry mixup in the hallway Dobby attacked us and stole our socks.  
  
C.: Like I haven't heard that one before. SIT DOWN.. 50 point to Hufflepuff  
  
Huffs smile  
  
C.: But in the recent events of these 3, 100 points from Hufflepuffs  
  
Huffs get evil grin stare at Harry, Ron, and Dean  
  
Huff 1: Proffesor what is your name so I can tell my mum and dad  
  
C.: It is .(Harry listening hard). none other than.( Harry leaning forward on his desk).. None of your business ( Harry frowns)  
  
Now on with the lesson..  
  
Down at the Great hall for lunch.  
  
The only 3 third years at the table were Ron, Harry and Hermione.  
  
Ron and Harry did not look good at all their faces were white and their hair was frizzy  
  
Hermione: Whats up with you  
  
Harry: If only you knew of.. Ron: the mayhem that insued in that class Harry:...if only you knew.  
  
Hermione: gets back to reading 'Hogwarts A History'  
  
Ron gets to eating his Chicken wings. Harry looks at the House points score hour glasses  
  
Harry: Wow that's the biggest negative number I have ever seen, poor Huffs.  
  
Harry: what in the world are you reading.  
  
Hermione: Look we all know I read all of this book a Zillinon times but I want to see if there is any info on the Creature.  
  
Harry: we don't even know his name.  
  
Hermione: We need a better book (slamps closes the book) we need to go to the Restricted Section!!  
  
Everyone in the Great Hall: The Restricted Section!!! (lightning thunder) AHHHHHH!!  
  
Ron: we shouldn't go in there. did you see the lightning (wide eyes) Well I did.  
  
Harry: there is always a book there  
  
Hermione: yes that is why you must go there some time before chapter 5 and get me a book.  
  
Harry: Why me  
  
Hermione: you got that cloak thing  
  
Harry: Right.  
  
Flitwick walks by and gets hit by Winky and Dobby comes and gets the socks.  
  
Dobby: HAHAHA The Jackpot, 4 socks. (and Disappears)  
  
In Potions class...  
  
Harry: please let him be here.. Please let him be here  
  
Ron: you actually want Snape to be here  
  
Harry: Yes, Strangely enough,.. yes.  
  
Suddenly the dungeon door swings open and no one walks through it for 5 min. then Snape walks in.  
  
Snape: There will be no foolish wand waving, wooshing, or throwing in this class, as such I don't aspect anyone normal to like this class.  
  
Spoon: I like this class..  
  
Snape: Shut up  
  
Creature walks in  
  
C.: 'Ello  
  
Snape: We have no need for the likes of you.  
  
C.: Oh! I am just here to watch.  
  
Snape: I don't like people watching my...class...  
  
C.: And I don't like vampires.  
  
Long silence (Snape gets sweaty)  
  
Ron:(yelling) AND I DON'T LIKE THINGS THAT GO WEEEOOO! WEEOOOO! (flaps his arms)  
  
All stare at Ron even Mr.Wizzleburry the Third!!  
  
Snape: Well..ok then (runs out the door)  
  
C.: looks like I shall be needed to sub in this class  
  
Snape returns  
  
Snape: I needed this (holds up a turtle) for the new potion today, the potion is the Algebra Potion!  
  
All: Algebra Potion?  
  
Snape: yes, the potion that helps you understand a dead wizard language that muggles try to decipher.  
  
C.: yes. but why make it?  
  
Snape: to help the.to..umm.(scratches head) I don't know.  
  
C. walks around the room looking at all the cool stuff in the room  
  
Snape: now put your Gray Bug Scabs into the mixture of Sardine Teeth and (SMASH!)  
  
Snape slowly turns his head with a face of pure controlled anger.  
  
C. is standing over a bunch of broken glass with a fish flopping on the ground.  
  
C.:..sorry must have slipped (smiles)  
  
Snape: (holding back the rage) O-O-Ok.(turns to class) once you do that get out your turtle (BREAK!) WOULD YOU STOP THAT!!  
  
C.: Sorry, sorry (sits on a random warm air pocket)  
  
Snape: (really Really Mad) do not eat the turtle for it will.  
  
C.: (pouring a strange bottle of Greece on Snape's head) (singing) 1 bottle of Greece of in your hair ONE BOTTLE OF GREECE! TAKE ONE DOWN PASS IT AROUND.. (gets another bottle)2 BOTTLES OF GREECE IN YOUR HAIR (Snape is Crying with his head on his desk)  
  
Many hours later...  
  
C.:99 BOTTLES OF GREECE IN YOUR HAAAAAAAAIIIIIIRRRRRRRR.  
  
Snape: (head drowned in Greece) Class dismissed..  
  
All the stundents slip and slide their way out of the class room due to all the Greece.  
  
Harry: that was slightly enjoyable.  
  
Ron: Creature must've been bored of annoying you.  
  
C.: No I was just board.  
  
Harry: Hey there are 3 chickens in the back yard.  
  
C.: WHERE?? (looks away) Harry runs.  
  
C.: (looks at your screen) One more class to go BWAHAHAHA!!  
  
In Defense of dark arts.  
  
Lupin: 'Ello everyone  
  
All: 'Ello LUPIN!!  
  
Lupin: Today we are learning about only the most interesting thing in wizard Dark Arts History! (students on the edge of their seat) the one, the only, the wonderfully supercalafragalisticxpealadotios...(falls asleep)and falls in the corner.  
  
C. appears from no where  
  
Ron: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
C.: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
ALL:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Harry: (whispering so only Ron can hear) this can't be good, he IS the dark arts, why would he teach us how to defend from him?  
  
C.: Your right Harry this can't be good  
  
Harry: .Hey! I thought only Ron could hear that thing I just said. C.: No! reread it  
  
Harry: (rereads) but, it doesn't say anything that says you can hear.  
  
C.: So, any who,  
  
Harry: Hey!  
  
C.: (ignoring Harry) I wanted a special guest with me today. meet Lord Voldemort  
  
Voldemort appears out of thick air  
  
C.: now class... Defend (smiles)  
  
Voldemort grows an evil smile  
  
Harry: this can't be good (gets out wand)  
  
Voldemort cracks his neck  
  
Harry: I'm scared  
  
Voldemort cracks his knuckles  
  
Harry: I want my Mummy  
  
Ron: me too  
  
Voldemort cracks his toes  
  
Harry in fetal position sucking thumb  
  
Voldemort cracks his own wand.. he looks down, gets a really sad face, then looks up at creature with a weak scared grin.  
  
C.: Your pathetic..  
  
Makes Voldi disappear in to mildly thin air  
  
C.: well that was stupid and disgusting. BRING IN THE BREAK DANCING DEMENTORS!  
  
The whole room gets depressed as 5 Dementors dance their way to the front.  
  
Dementor 1: So a ghoul a ghost and a hag go into a bar and .(notices all the people but C. are totally depressed and knocked out) this place stinks ( all the dementors break dance their way out the door)  
  
C.: well. now what  
  
Harry: let us go??  
  
C.: NO!  
  
Harry: @ @  
O  
  
For the rest of the class Harry had to find a needle in a hay stack. how annoying  
  
At the Great Hall!  
  
All the Gryffindors are still gone but Harry and Ron, but then with a POP and a WOOSH all of them returned and stole all the chicken wings from Ron  
  
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Dumbledore: and so we end another.normal.day..yeah.. with the house points standing at Slytherin 5,000,000 points and all the other classes' points resemble a black hole. And Creature.  
  
C.: yes  
  
DumbleBee: your fired  
  
C.: what!  
  
DumbleButt: Butt you are still aloud to hang with the rest of the school HomiG's  
  
C.: Word.  
  
Harry: (Yelling) BUT WHAT IS YOUR NAME CREATURE???  
  
C.: DETENTION!! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO ASK THAT AGAIN SO I WILL GET YOU WHEN I FIND OUT WHAT TO DO WITH YOU!!  
  
Harry: O  
  
Tune in next time for.. Chapter 4 Detention!! 


End file.
